Writing for other people

There is a part of me that cringes when I think that I started by publishing something other than Firechild first. The intention was always to get that particular story out there. It, along with Lusus Naturae, has haunted me for over half my life now, and though most authors smile fondly and shake their heads when asked about the first book they ever wrote and laugh about how looking back it was a mess and they're glad it remains behind them - I still need to finish this particular book.

At the time I started Crow I had pushed Firechild aside yet again, but for differing reasons.

One, I still didn't think I had the story arranged the way I wanted and until I figured it out I was only making a bigger mess of it. I've re-written it so many times that now it's more like fitting together a complicated jigsaw and tossing the pieces that don't fit - but there are enough extra pieces to make eight more complete puzzles.

Secondly, at the time I was getting a lot of advice about "making it" in the business and I was eagerly absorbing as much info as possible on how not to fuck the whole thing up. "Find a niche audience you can connect with. Learn the genre and the tropes. Cater to you reader's wants and expectations..."
It was my first book and I really wanted to find my readers. I'd write something I thought they'd want, even if it wasn't really the story the way I'd like to tell it.

So,  I started a YA urban fantasy series. They were meant to be novella length, but as it usually works out with me, they grew longer and turned into short novels instead (ooops?) I included popular YA and urban fantasy elements (also part of the advice) even when I wasn't sure I wanted some of those elements in there. But I wanted to please my perceived audience. I included things I thought the reader would want.

I'm not saying I regret writing The Crow Series. Not in the least. It started with the vague notion of a girl desperately trying to save her brothers from a horrible curse and meeting a cryptic young man with dubious intentions who helped show her the way. Even though I meant it to be more commercial, I couldn't help but include the deeper more tormented things that came along while writing - the way I usually write. Loss, grief, guilt and betrayal. Mistrust. The thin line between love and hatred. Trying to be your own hero when you don't know where else to turn.

These same elements are part of why the series turns people away. The very first page is sad and talks about losing a cherished friend to suicide. I was sad when I wrote it - pulling from deep within myself from my own feelings of guilt and pain over friends from my youth that I'd lost along the way.

So, what was meant to be a commercial work turned into something most people were turned off by.

*shrug*

I guess I'm not cut out for the whole "commercial" thing. With each book, trying to keep it in the same vein as the previous books in the series has gotten harder and harder because I'm pushing myself to write in a way that is not authentic for me. I think, when I have other stories out to compare it to, maybe my blathering right now will make more sense - or it won't and you'll scratch you head and wonder what hell I'm going on about.

Last year, after spending months struggling with myself to finish Release, I was suddenly inspired by an idea for another story - an adult fantasy adventure serial with shape-shifters, pirates and time travel. It had adult (like, with a capital A - Adult*) themes and bordered on the erotica genre with some of its content. Because it was so different from the "Young Adult" series I was already publishing, I published the first five episodes under a different pen name.

TaDa!
So now you know. Last year when I "didn't" publish anything, I actually published A LOT. Five episodes and a compilation. I'm only half way through Season One, with 5 more episodes to go, but stopped when I got ill last summer. When I finally got well enough to go back to writing, my guilt over the long delay necessitated I finish Release instead, which was already a year overdue. I haven't gone back to finish the other episodes - yet.

And why did I do this?
Because writing the serial was FUN! I told no one I knew, other than my husband and my parents, who I instructed NOT to read them. My husband still hasn't read a single page. It would probably be a little weird with all the sex and suggestive situations. He already gets playfully jealous about how much time I spend with my characters. Instead, he now constantly makes up Bond Girl type names like "Major Peter Acrecock" and "Hugh Janhornie" and offers to let me use them in the next episode to make me laugh. (I don't have characters named like this - it's a joke between us)

The point is, with no one I knew aware that I was doing it, and no worry over readers' expectations of me, I threw myself into the story and LOVED it. I was cranking out an episode every two weeks up until I started feeling sick last August. I was writing them for me, because I was inspired to do so, and it was exhilarating.

I didn't sell a lot of copies. As a matter of fact, I gave away episodes regularly. I got ZERO reviews for it on Amazon, despite lots of downloads of the freebies, but did get one really nice and glowing review for the serial on Goodreads.

Yet, even though my work went mostly unnoticed (again) the first episode won second place in the SFWG's (Short Fiction Writer's Guild) New Series Contest that September. I hope that means my writing isn't actually a festering boil that people are too polite to mention, and is instead just a freckle hidden in a sea of larger blemishes.
That analogy was horrible. Forgive me, the burn on my arm has me obsessed with painful bodily issues right now lol.

Basically, I've reached a cross-roads in my career where the needs of my family outweigh my own need to create. I cannot financially afford to continue focusing on my writing. Unless I find a way to compensate for my financial obligations to my family (mind you, my husband still works his ass off full-time and I continue to work whatever days I can get at my day job, which are fleeting and far between) I will have to stop committing my free hours to writing and go back to trying to pick up extra work to ease the burden.

I've given myself until the end of the year to work it out. Until then I'm going to be trying something a little unorthodox.

I've decided to start a Patreon page to see if whatever fanbase I may have might be willing to help support me so I can continue my work without starving my kids. I know that sounds dramatic, but it's true. I don't know how successful it will be, because despite trying my damnedest for the past three to four years I've barely managed 100 followers on any of my social media things. But who knows? Maybe this will be the thing that saves me.

Patreon looks like it could be a great deal of fun - connecting and creating things directly for your audience. I have a plethora of projects, stories and art pieces to share and I look forward to interacting with people who enjoy my work as much as I do.

One of the things I'm going to be offering my Patreon subscribers is advanced chapters of my new steampunk fantasy series, Songbird of Souls, while I get it ready to publish by the end of the year. I wrote it just after finishing the first draft of Curse, so it's ready and waiting to be edited once Curse is complete.

Depending on what subscribers want, I may even throw in some of the episodes from my other pen name, but since they're Adult (with a capital A*, remember?) I'll likely leave that up to the Patrons to decide.

In that way, I'll be writing for others, but not in the way I've been doing. The people who support my Patreon page will get behind the scenes access to me and my work, and they'll be given opportunities to make decisions on some of my future writings (like character names, which projects I tackle next and Q&A's with me about my inspirations, plans and worlds I have created).

I think having a direct line to my readers will help keep me motivated too. Knowing that there's people out there actually waiting and asking for my new work will help push me through those days when I'm convinced everything I touch is a pile of stewing crap.

That, and knowing I don't have to worry about how I'm going to squeeze out money for a new cover or (hopefully one day) hiring someone to help ease my editing load so I can work faster will be a lot easier if I'm not also obsessively worrying about how I'm going to be able to buy groceries the following week if I can't pick up any extra days at my job.

I'm really excited about starting this, but also incredibly nervous. I'm not very good at building relationships with people and starting anything in the social-sphere always makes me feel slightly manic. But you can't create in a vacuum and art by its very nature is about sharing what's inside you that you can't express any other way - so I'm going to give this a shot and cross my fingers.

For those of you who are interested in seeing what I'm doing, I'll be making the new Patreon page live sometime next weekend once I've gotten everything set and in order. I'll let you guys know when it's up so you can take a peek and see what it's all about.

Much love,